Long time no post.. again. I just cannot seem to stick to a consistent schedule at the moment. I would say I’ve had a lot going on but that isn’t true. I have however been struggling with absolutely crippling anxiety. The kind that leaves me unable to look after myself properly let alone blog.
Cancer is probably the biggest thing that’s happened to me, and it’s still happening to me. I haven’t officially been given the all clear just yet, I have been told that for the next six months they’re just going to be monitoring my blood. Which honestly is a good thing and I am happy things seem to be getting better.
At the moment though, I’m just struggling. It’s not just cancer, or the massive scar, having to take tablets every day and getting regular phone calls from doctors changing the dose all the time. It’s the fact that my life basically went on hold whilst all this was going on and I’m struggling to claw it back.
I sometimes struggle to make myself get out of bed, sometimes I don’t shower until 5pm and sometimes I don’t shower at all. For the past seven months, my life has revolved around hospital appointments, treatments and surgery.
It’s made me bitter, and resentful to others. It’s made me question my own self-worth.
And now I have to pick myself up back, try and get over all the shit that has happened to me for the past seven months. I have to basically start again with my job and career (not that I had one before when I worked in retail).
It’s really hard, I’m struggling with anxiety and mental health, struggling with the thought of going back into work, in a new path and meeting new people when every aspect of myself has been changed. I’m thinking a lot about the past and the various changes that have happened over the years. All of them good obviously, such as meeting Elliot and moving out. But all those changes haven’t changed the fact that I got diagnosed with something that doesn’t ever leave you alone. It’s changed everything about my life and it’s really hard to adjust to that and get the motivation to carry on and basically start my life again.
I’m really glad that I have supportive people around me otherwise I would be struggling, even more so than I am. T
I’m also really glad that I have support from the Teenage Cancer Trust. I’m 23 now and if my cancer hadn’t been diagnosed when it did I might have missed out on their support.
I’m not really sure what the point of this post is. I just wanted to share what’s going on with me at the moment, which probably might explain why I’ve not been very active on here or on Instagram.
Obviously going through cancer is really bloody hard but also, it’s really hard to come out the other side of it too.