Sooo life lately… There’s not much to say really.
I’m still in the same position I was in 7 months ago, still a drop out from University, still living at home, still can’t drive and still working a barely getting me through retail job only now they’ve cut most of my hours.. BUT I have gained a boyfriend, and a lovely new desk so it’s swings and roundabouts really.
The only difficult thing about this year is that last month I would have finished uni, handed in my last project and completed my degree. This month would have been my graduation (thats if I did indeed do well enough to graduate) and I wouldn’t be thinking of it too much (if at all really) apart from everyone that I seem to know is graduating themselves so it is everywhere. ALL over social media including instagram and Facebook so there’s no escaping the fact that everyone is smiling and wearing that famous cap and gown and doing something that never really bothered me before, but it’s something that I know I’ll never do.
It’s very surreal to think about. I don’t regret dropping out but I regret other decisions since. It’s funny how one thing can change everything. I did a whole post about dropping out of university however I’ve never read that post back. Perhaps I will some day but it doesn’t feel like enough time has passed yet for me to even want to read it.
The feelings that I’m mainly having now I suppose would be stuck. There’s nothing wrong with still living at home or not driving or having a retail job but there is so much pressure from everyone to do well with your life and keep moving forward and a lot of this pressure just comes from yourself. Driving is something which gives me a lot of anxiety yet I feel dumb not having passed my test already cause if 17 year olds can do it why can’t I?
It’s very easy to get trapped in negative thinking and very hard to keep taking positive steps and making positive decisions when you’re feeling very stuck with where you are. I guess a good way of describing the way I’m feeling would be failing, failing because everyone seems to be going 100 miles an hour and I’m stuck doing 20 (a very bad example considering I can’t drive).
When it comes down to it, I am happy. Day to day I’m laughing and smiling, I have a great boyfriend who is so motivating and encouraging of everything I do and an amazing family who will always love and support me and there’s not much else I could wish for. I need to remind myself (sometimes daily) that not everyone goes at the same pace and it’s okay that I’m where I am right now. Thing’s will change, I won’t always feel the way I feel right now and that’s okay.
This is another one of those posts where I just write to get my feelings out of my head, there’s probably not much flow (or sense) to the words above but that’s life. Normal, happier posts will return soon.